Monkey See, Monkey Do, Monkey Snap - June 1, 2007
I spent the week packing boxes, in preparation for the move. I channeled my anger at my mother and Mike into packing those boxes. Instead of having any real rational discussion with me about her living situation, my mother played American Idol on Jacob's PS II, ignoring everything I said in favor of computerized scorn from a digital Simon Cowell. In between bouts of singing Karaoke, she and Mike argued about everything from the color of the sky to who contributed more to the misery of their marriage. When my mother left the house, Mike continued the argument by swearing at everything he could see, hear, or imagine. I had once again been suckered by my need to believe that hope persists against all odds.
On the day of the move, my mother decided that what little work she had done had been "just too much" and started to scream in everyone's face about how men had been oppressing women since the dawn of humanity. She brings up women's issues at the drop of a hat, so I told her that if she didn't want to pick up the plates herself, I would do it for her if she would just be quiet. She could not have been more offended.
"Do you think you're funny, BC?! Do you? How dare you! How dare you! Who do you think you are!" Sitting on the porch as I loaded her box of dishes into her trunk, my mother screamed at me for the sin of male frailty. It was like every other rant she had ever had before. Only this time it was different. I was different. Something inside of me snapped.
A lot of stupid people would have tried to use reason to argue against her. I may not be a genius, but I'm far from stupid. I know reason only works against actual human beings, with actual cerebral function. "How dare you talk to me that way, Mr. Man!" I hissed. "I am a female divinity! I am the best woman you will ever have in your life! Do you hear me?! Do you hear me?!" Imitating my mother has never been difficult, as she only has six or seven truly distinct ideas.
Sneering at my mockery, my mother said, "You think you're so smart, don't you? Do you think I'm just going to sit here and listen--" I screamed at the top of my lungs as loudly as I could. Placing my hands on my hips I started dancing all around the car, massaging the imaginary crick in my back, not caring about any neighbors who felt the need to stare.
"I am not going to listen to this! Do you hear me! Do you hear me! I am your mother! I gave birth to you!" Although I did not actually cry, I wrinkled my mouth and started brushing under my eyes. "You do not appreciate how hard I work! You don't! You just don't get it!"
My mother stared at me dumbfounded, blinking slowly. I could tell she had been planning on yelling a few of the same things before I had beaten her to the punch. One of the best things about stealing someone's personal voice and reducing it to absurdity is that it leaves them with absolutely nothing to say. Instead, she picked up a child's toy and threw it at my feet. "Fuck off, BC!"
"BC, stop yelling!" Mike called from the kitchen. I could hear from his voice that he wanted to fight. I was more than ready.
As easily as I had become my mother, I became Mike. I had nine years of arguments as character study. As soon as he stepped outside to see what was the matter, I tucked as much of my upper arms into my shirt as possible, squatted down low to mimic his height, and began to mutter a neverending string of swear words. "Shit cock fucking cunt whore! Fucking shit hell fucking in the shit, cock sucking motherfucker in the goddamn ear!" With my arms hidden inside of my shirt, and my hunched up legs giving me the frame of a Russian gymnast, I had mimicked Mike's frame perfectly.
Before Mike had any time to respond to my imitation, I bounded up the steps and butted my chest into his. "Fucking shit cock fuck!" I yelled so loudly spittle flew from my mouth into his face. "Cock fucking whore with the dick in her tight fucking pussy!" Mike opened his mouth to say something but I shouted "COCK!" in his face before he could get the words out of his throat, and pounded my fingers into his chest all the while asserting "Dude man bro, my father was the best fucking man who ever lived! Dude! Bro! Frickin' primo as all hell, man!"
"BC, what the fuck is wrong with you?!" Mike demanded, suddenly afraid of me.
"Shit fuck!" I replied, not caring if my voice was going hoarse.
My mother cried, "Mike, make him stop!"
In the spirit of every single argument I had heard since arriving, I allayed her fears by saying, "Cock-whore! Pussy fuck!"
"I don't fucking sound like that, you fucking fuck!" Mike cried in horror.
Tired of simply screaming obscenities, I switched to making fun of every single one of Mike's speech impediments as well as his and my mother's love of karaoke. I launched into half of "You're the Best" only I failed to pronounce every "st" and instead sang:
"You're the bess! The bess! No one's ever gonna keep you down! The bess! The bess!"
I quickly followed with "Simply the Bess." Without waiting for requests I followed with "R-E-S-P-E-C-T" because in addition to not being able to pronounce "st" sounds, Mike pronounces "ect" as "eck." For a solid minute I danced around the yard demanding "Juss juss a little respeck, juss a little respeck!"
While my mother and Mike watched in horror, I fell to the ground cackling like a madman. Whereas before I had been either Mike or my mother, as the grass tickled my cheeks I became them both. An amalgam of two of the worst ideologues to ever walk the face of the Earth, I twitched on the ground having an argument with myself.
Pounding pseudo-small arms and legs into the ground, I screamed, "Fucking primo shit whore! Cheapo ass Jew rig frog fucking son of a bitch!" Then fake crying at all the terrible things to ever happen in the world I moaned, "You don't get it! You just don't get it! I hate men! Do you hear me?! I hate men! Men are pigs! Pigs!" I retorted by asserting that, "Ponape is the best most frikkin' primo island ever! Fuck you fucking mother-fuckers! Shit slut!"
For once in their lives, not arguing with one another, my crazy mother and her half-savage islander husband stared at me. "Do you think he's gone insane?" Mike asked.
"What's wrong with him?" my mother pondered.
I could have told them that I was using myself as a mirror to show them who they actually were. I could have told them I was using method acting to better feed back the absurdity of their logic back to them, in a more cogent manner than mere words ever could. It would have all been a lie. I did it to be cruel. I did it because I have lived my entire life listening to two idiots who thought they belonged in the Roman Senate. I did it because it was just.
It was hard to pick myself up from the grass, because my stomach hurt. I had been laughing harder than I had for several years. Walking up the porch, with Mike and my mother to either side of me, I murmured, "I'm thirsty now," and went inside. I slammed the door shut behind me. It was several minutes before they felt safe enough to join me.
Posted by BC Woods at 12:00 AM
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Comments
That's pretty funny, albeit in a tragic way. Know exactly how you feel though 'cos I am about to snap the same way to my douchebag boss right now. "Why can't you get this thing done? What are you, stupid?" Oh yeah, this will be fun.
Posted by: Eureka at June 1, 2007 12:36 AM
That was the most freaking primo story ever.
Posted by: Murdoc at June 1, 2007 12:48 AM
Another winner BC. I would pay good $$ to see a Youtube clip of that performance.
Posted by: Boogfoot at June 1, 2007 01:15 AM
fucken cunt fuck shit slut whore!!!!!
Great entry BC if i hadnt read all previous stories on here id be astonished at their stupidity... instead im highly entertained =)
Posted by: STILLINREHAB at June 1, 2007 01:17 AM
You have no idea
How much your stories have helped me through my own fucked up childhood
Keep writting BC
It's not over yet
Posted by: MTA at June 1, 2007 01:21 AM
holy shit dude
Posted by: Anonymous at June 1, 2007 01:46 AM
Then what happened?!!?
BC: They went back to fighting in a few hours. The lesson wore off.
Posted by: lolibunny at June 1, 2007 02:11 AM
Awesome BC, I've been reading for awhile now but this story tops them all. I think the only thing that could have been better was if you could have mocked your sister in the process...then again Rachel shouldn't be imitated, even for hilarity purposes.
Posted by: justin at June 1, 2007 03:02 AM
This made me smile and laugh. Ha ha! I can just see you doing that, wish I could have been there though.
Posted by: Marisa at June 1, 2007 04:55 AM
love the story, this made me smile ALOT!
Posted by: Juneau at June 1, 2007 04:58 AM
Hoorah! you are my new hero!
Posted by: Anonymous at June 1, 2007 07:38 AM
Remind me, why don't you cut yourself off from these people? They sound like they're beyond redemption, so all you're achieving is self-harm...
Posted by: Ned at June 1, 2007 09:42 AM
Great work as usual BC. Did either of them have the guts to address it afterwords?
Posted by: Anonymous at June 1, 2007 09:45 AM
That's too damn funny. I wish I could have seen it.
Posted by: Amber at June 1, 2007 10:05 AM
hoorayco!
Posted by: DaveJ at June 1, 2007 10:05 AM
You're a sick, sick man BC. Don't change.
Posted by: Eric at June 1, 2007 10:15 AM
Glad you finally snapped, I was beginning to think you weren't human for awhile. Another great story as well.
Posted by: Guy Fawkes at June 1, 2007 10:33 AM
You need to disown your mother BC.
Posted by: Anonymous at June 1, 2007 10:56 AM
Better than hot quarters, nickels, and dimes...
Posted by: Tone at June 1, 2007 12:14 PM
Hahahahahahahahaha!
Wow, reminds me of all the times I wanted to do that to my parents. Although, my dad is actually sane, and as big as I am, so I wouldn't have gotten away with it.
Posted by: Scrybe at June 1, 2007 12:33 PM
my mental picture of you singing "simply the bess" had me rolling
great entry
Posted by: nick at June 1, 2007 01:39 PM
Shit, dute! Did the neighbors ever say anything? I wouldn't have been able to stop watching...
Posted by: Inger at June 1, 2007 02:31 PM
Dude, when your mother picked you up at the airport and said she wasn't leaving Mike (I guess she lied to get you there to help move?), why the hell didn't you just get back on a plane and go back to Washington and relax for a week? Moving sucks in general, but helping two idiots move so they can continue their shitty relationship and continue to fuck your life up? Never.
B: I wanted to see the kids.
Posted by: Rick Kane at June 1, 2007 03:32 PM
The most absurd part of this story is that you still helped her move. Fuck that shit. Life is too short to spend your time helping idiots relocate.
Posted by: M at June 1, 2007 05:16 PM
whoa! good for you, BC. that must have felt soooo good. i wish i could've been there to see your performance. great story, too.
Posted by: phishey at June 1, 2007 05:17 PM
You went ape-sh*t. It was funny. I laughed. You completely dominate those two. You and I both know it and you know they know it. I'm glad you scared them. They deserved much worse. I'm glad you got a good laugh out of the whole thing : ) That usually makes everything worth it.
Posted by: Wayland at June 1, 2007 05:56 PM
Bahahahahaha! That was hilariously awesome!
Posted by: GLC at June 1, 2007 08:16 PM
dude, I almost can't believe you did it. but you were right, it was just. they will never learn their lesson, but I hope they are to scared of you to contradict you from now till they die
Posted by: Mary Liz at June 1, 2007 10:21 PM
HAHAHAHAHA. This is probably one of my most favorite stories from you, BC. It feels like everything you've written so far has been building up to this. I can't wait to read more about this.
Posted by: Kyoko at June 2, 2007 06:34 PM
Haha! Good for you!
Unfortunately, I've been imitating my parents for years. They still don't quite get it, but they know that they should be offended.
Posted by: Cori ![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.daddydonthitme.com/nav-commenters.gif)
at June 3, 2007 06:07 AM
I hate to think of when it comes to the time that you run out of material.
BC: Unfortunately I don't think that will happen. Yesterday I wrestled with a pygmy goat my father bought.
Yes. A pygmy goat.
Posted by: KD at June 3, 2007 09:30 AM
That's the third time I've read that story and, each time, I've laughed loudly enough to pique my boss's attention. Good times. How the hell did you come from that family? It's my assumption that your mom cheated on your dad, luckily (somehow), with somebody that was intelligent, but drunk enough to endure her for a couple of hours. Only possible explanation. Other than that, I've got nothing.
Posted by: Matt at June 4, 2007 11:59 AM
On your last story you wrote I commented on how amazing it is you are still sane. Are you trying to make a fool out of me?!?
Hehe, good story.
Posted by: GringoDownSouth at June 4, 2007 09:38 PM
HAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAA That is the best way to start off my fucking lame day at work. B.C you're fucking amazing. The more I read, the more I feel like I know you. My parents aren't as foul-mouthed in public (indoors is another story) but they fight like douche bags over the dumbest shit. I fucking love you man. I have a crush on a writer who I've never seen. Thanks for the laugh. When I go to bed tonite its you I'll be thinking about!
Posted by: Syd at June 5, 2007 11:38 AM
That was awesome. I was glad to see some real recent stories. You sir, are a genius of comedy. What you do is better than 90 percent of the shit Hollywood puts out. I hope that sounded like a compliment because it was
Posted by: Seth at June 8, 2007 04:10 AM
I LOVE IT! BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Good show!
Posted by: Michelle at June 13, 2007 08:54 AM
Wow, during the first part of that story I was about to blow my brains out because if I were in that situation I wouldn't have been able to take it either. But you handled it perfectly. Kudos.
Posted by: Kyle at June 14, 2007 04:20 PM
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