The Wheel of Time Turns... And My Parents Still Aren't Watching Me - April 16, 2007
I spent my entire spring break scraping together enough money to pay for a piece of memorabilia I had seen advertised on a website. It had been my whole motivation for learning how to roof a house, instead of just picking up waste. Once I mastered the art of laying down a shingle, it had only been the matter of a couple of roofing jobs before I had enough money to make the order. Five weeks, the complete emptying of my piggy bank, and fifteen dollars in shipping and handling later, it arrived. My wondrous prize. The tangible object of my inner fantasies.
It was a replica of a Rand al'Thor's heron-marked sword, made by Aes Sedai in the Age of Legends. My very own heron-marked blade*... which unfortunately had a heron on one side only, the word "INDIA" stamped in large prominent text on the other, and was nowhere near as razor sharp as had been claimed on the website. I couldn't stop looking at the word "INDIA" and feeling like I had been raped. My disappointment wouldn't last long however, as there was a crate of apples at the foot of the bed with my name written all over it. I had bought it the morning before, in anticipation of my weapon's arrival.
In order to feel more like a warrior, I wasted half of a role of duct tape to secure the sword to my back. A slick grey band ran down the front of my chest in a shiny, slanting arc. Even though it positioned my baby fat in rather unflattering positions, I thought I looked pretty damn heroic.
Emerging from a room with a three-and-a-half-foot sword tied across one's back might have been a problem for other children. Luckily, I was no ordinary child. When I passed my father in the kitchen, he asked me what the hell I was doing with a "fucking machete" taped to my back, and a "crate of goddamn apples" in my hands. I cleverly said "nothing," so he could go back to watching television without feeling the need for any further parental investigation.
As my fat, unarguably nerdy body prepared for the exercise I had planned, I similarly began to prepare my mind for the challenge ahead. As did the truly ferocious warriors in The Wheel of Time, I imagined a flame and fed all of my emotions into it. It was a truly sacred exercise that I gave over ten seconds of my life to mastering. At the end of those ten seconds, not feeling much different than I had before, I had to spend another five minutes peeling duct tape off of my shirt so I could hold my sword again. I had accidentally taped it ever so slightly out of the reach of my hand. When I again held the sword in my pudgy fists, I could only imagine that I was a figure to strike fear in the heart of any darkfriend or Trolloc.
Much like an epileptic with a knife stuck to his hand, I danced around for few moments to get in touch with my inner warrior. In no time at all, I was in a blood rage that had me spewing dialogue from The Wheel of Time with every frothy gasp for breath, and swish of my blade.
"Take that, Father of Lies!" I shouted, thrusting furiously into the open air around me. I was almost ready. I felt just like the Dragon Reborn at the end of the The Great Hunt. I shouted again, in sheer ecstasy that I finally owned a sword. In my mind, there was no way that this totally didn't make up for not having any friends.
"BC, what are you doing?" Bryan asked, catching me by complete surprise. I jumped in shock, and the tip of my blade danced every which way. My shouting had disturbed him from playing video games.
For a moment, crashing back down into myself, I realized I was really just a fat kid with a fantasy sword in one hand and bits of duct tape on his shirt. In order to preserve my dignity, I quickly said, "None of your business, Bryan!" and waited for him to leave. When he just stood and looked at me for a minute, I finally laid on some muscle by saying, "Go back inside, or I'm telling Dad that you asked me what a 'boner' is!" Rand al'Thor would have been so proud.
"He won't care." Damn it. He was right.
"Just leave me alone, Bryan! This is personal!"
Completely unfazed, Bryan shrugged and left. My brother had yet to discover the glories of The Dragon Reborn.
My pride slightly hurt, I decided I could wait no longer. There was a crate full of apples that was begging for a fistful of steel murder. "Father of Lies!" I announced. "If I can cut this apple in half twice before it hits the ground, I win Tarmon Gai'don!" I plucked up an apple, and held it before me. I glared at it like it was the source of all the world's evil. I threw it up in the air and swung at it with all of my might.
When I failed to cut the first apple in half even one time, I quickly amended my previous statement. "I meant to say 'one of these apples.'" As the world failed to erupt into hellish flames, I guess the Father of Lies accepted this bargain. Stupid Father of Lies. So easily tricked into bargains.
I was lost in my fury. If, at that instant, all the world's applesauce factories had all been suddenly destroyed, all that the world would need to do to meet its demand would have been to unleash me in an orchard. Panting, and temporarily deluding myself into thinking that I manifested some actual talent, I took a look at my crate. There was only one shiny red orb remaining. I picked it up, squeezed it, and felt the crispness of the flesh crush beneath the skin and give rise to sugary wetness. I was going to do it.
As we all know quite well, the hallmark of any true blademaster is the ability to cut something in half twice before it hits the ground. At that time, Robert Jordan had not stipulated what qualities exactly earned someone the title of blademaster in the Wheel of Time, so I had arbitrarily decided, based upon several viewing of the movie Blind Fury, that being able to cut something in half twice very quickly was sufficiently impressive for me to earn my blademaster stripes.
One of my chubby legs stretched out the fabric of my jeans as I raised one leg and assumed what I imagined to be the stance "Heron Wading in the Rushes" as described several times in the book. If anyone else had been looking they would probably have just thought I had recently watched The Karate Kid. As I had just heavily exerted myself and had never had good balance, I wobbled on one foot.
When I threw the apple into the air, and felt it leave my fingertips, I knew there was no time to waste. I screamed. "Carai an Caldazar! Carai an Ellisande! Al Ellisande!" Which is of course a battle cry in the Old Tongue, that I am currently quite ashamed to know without the need for reference materials.
In that moment, I felt I had achieved what I had been trying to find ever since I had first opened the package. I was in the void. I was one with the sword in my hand. One with the apple soaring in the air. I swung my sword like a blacksmith's hammer, eager to prove myself. Too hard. Much too hard for a boy on one foot. I started to totter... with a sword in my hands.
Even while falling I would not give up. I had felt the sword cut the apple once. I could not let it fall to the ground without cutting it again. Guessing where my "Farmer's Choice" enemy might be, I altered the path of my sword. I felt the tip of the blade satisfyingly sink a half an inch into a fleshy target.
The fleshy target was my thigh.
In an instant, I knew I was no blademaster. In the same instant, I forgot everything I knew about the The Wheel of Time. It turns out the best way to stop having delusions of grandeur is to have a sword stuck in your thigh.
"FUCK!" I shouted, pulling the dull tip of the blade out of myself, and throwing it into the nearby grass. It landed "INDIA" side up.
I surveyed my wound, the rapidly spreading stain of blood on the faded fabric of my jeans, and summed up the situation as best I could by saying, "Mother... FUCK!"
For a while, I writhed on the ground, putting pressure on my wound with my hands, unable to do anything but call everything in sight a "motherfucker." To my credit, I did not cry. I made up for this fact by calling myself a pathetic asshole several hundred times. Much like every human being who has ever hysterically injured his or herself, I began to think up plausible explanations for what had happened. When I realized half of my excuses involved me being attacked by jealous ninjas, I started to think that maybe I really didn't need to go to the doctor after all.
After kicking my sword so that it was heron side up, because it somehow made me feel better, I hobbled into the basement. I found my brother standing by the door, waiting for me.
"What did you do, BC?" he asked, with no sign of emotion.
"Nothing. Just go back to your room." Oh God, it was throbbing. I wrapped my fingers around it and gasped.
"Did you stab yourself?" I felt like he had just asked me if I had murdered someone.
"NO!"
"It looks like you stabbed yourself." How dare he!
"You don't know anything! How do you know there wasn't a Ninja!"
"There aren't any Ninjas in Aberdeen, BC."
"There are too!" Realizing I was being completely pathetic again, I decided to change my strategy. "Okay, I lied... it wasn't a ninja. Just don't tell Dad okay? I'm pretty sure I can stop the bleeding."
"Why don't you want to see a doctor?"
"Because it's really, really embarrassing." Obviously.
My brother shrugged before ducking back into his room.
I wondered if the tip of my sword was covered in blood. I had forgotten to look. Even though I was in a fair amount of pain, the thought of my sword being covered in blood was sufficiently "awesome" for me to gather the mental strength to make it to the bathroom without being seen. The cut was clean, and hadn't been as bad as I had thought. It was just bleeding a lot.
I put a bandage over the wound, and then quickly wrapped my thigh with gauze. After a while, I saw the bloody spot on the bandage stop spreading and was satisfied with the job I had done. I put on a new pair of jeans, and took the old pair into my room to be thrown away later.
I limped to the lawn, collected my weapon, called myself an asshole again, and then picked up the empty crate so I could throw it away. I re-entered the house through the kitchen door.
My father was still watching television in the kitchen. "What were you doing?" he asked, noticing the way I was walking.
In reply, I threw the crate in front of the garbage, angrily tore off whatever duct tape remained on my shirt, and muttered, "Nothing."
My answer was happily accepted.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: This website was included for visual reference only, and is not the actual website I ordered this sword from as a child. That website has since been taken down. All of the "awesome" terms used in this story are of course the sole invention of Robert Jordan. If you would like to find out more about The Wheel of Time, you may find Dragonmount.com to be a useful website. Recognize however, that I NEVER got ANY action in high school. Click at your own risk. Those books are like crack.
Posted by BC Woods at 12:00 AM
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Comments
Damn I wish I had you as a neighbor growing up instead of the stupid Salvation Army kids.
Posted by: Guy Fawkes at April 16, 2007 04:36 PM
The books are addictive enough (although the last few haven't been as good as the first 6-8) but if you want real crack (on the internet) you should try the Wheel of Time MUD - it's been running since 1993, free to play, and the only WoT themed MUD endorsed by Robert Jordan. Very addictive, very immersive, and free.
It helps if you've read the books first though ;)
Posted by: Dionysius at April 16, 2007 04:49 PM
Who would have guessed a story with the words "fourteen" and "Sword" would end in such a way?
Posted by: Anonymous at April 16, 2007 05:21 PM
Sorry you got sucked into that vapid series. I too wasted weeks reading it until I got to book seven. Luckily, I discovered George RR Martin's A Song of Ice and Fire. That is a far better series.
BC: How dare you, sir. If I ever find out your screen-name on WoW I will unleash a nerdly fury upon you the likes of which you have never seen.
Posted by: This Charming Man at April 16, 2007 06:13 PM
I love the Wheel of Time series. Or at least I used to, int he beginning they were way good.
I am also a fan of Dragonlance, the Forgotten Realms, The Sword of Truth and any other number of books that would place you in the geek/nerd category.
I don't know if I should be proud or ashamed that I understood ever reference you made in this entry.
Awesome work as always, though...
BC: Sadly, I also read Dragonlance, the Sword of Truth (which I'll always love despite any protests to the contrary), and a bunch of other stuff lots of people hate. I have a funny story about getting my ass kicked while trying to act like Richard Rahl too.... that was a sad day.
Posted by: Jamie at April 16, 2007 06:15 PM
I think the only thing I ever got nearly as excited or interested in like that was Dragonball Z. Yeah...an anime and not even the best out there but still a fun show to watch. I looked at the Dragonmount.com site but only for a moment and determined that the books are probably cool but that I won't be reading them anytime soon. I did read all of the Narnia books. I liked them, and I'm rambling. Funny stuff.
Posted by: Wayland at April 16, 2007 07:17 PM
Man, the cane sword would have been way sicker than the blade you mention here.
Why were we such pussies about ordering the thing? To this day, it haunts me.
Posted by: Former Roommate kevin at April 16, 2007 07:45 PM
I think i peed my pants.
Posted by: julia at April 16, 2007 09:19 PM
"How do you know there wasn't a Ninja!"
Classic
Posted by: Ross at April 16, 2007 09:42 PM
I'd say something cool in Old Tongue, but I only know Elvish. And Troll.
Posted by: Jesus H. Christ at April 16, 2007 10:02 PM
Wow, I thought I was the only fat,swordwielding nerd in the world! sadly, at 22 I still am the good news is I have since found 9 other lost souls who share the same interests as I this isnt really a comment on your story directly there is no need your writing is always excellent anywho about a week ago my friends and I got together at my house to practice our medieval skills Archery, spearthrowing and live sword combat the only thing you have to picture is, we were all dressed as Knights I mean chainmail, armor, gauntlets, Tabbards the whole nine yards maybe I should mention now I do have a sexlife with a real female who was born female anyway, we were in the back yard and I went to the frontyard to fetch a spare spear think of monty python or the kingdom of heaven that is how we all looked 10 Knights in all as I was in the front yard I saw four holy rollers i dont know what church their were but they wanted me to love jesus I was busy having a good time so I said goodbye please leave and they started taunting me well, I called for some help and then 10 fully attired medieval knights made these people leave my expierience had better results than yours but, I too have tasted the bite of cold steel thanks for your stories keep it up!
Posted by: Sir Xavier De Normandy at April 16, 2007 10:22 PM
WoT, SG-1, you are like the brother I never had. Well, minus all the crazy in your life, you are like the brother I never had. Fantastic writing as usual.
Posted by: Voltronman at April 16, 2007 11:31 PM
I laughed till I cried.. Kinda reminds me of the time I was chasing my brother down for trying to run me through with a stick.. and he thinking he was slick and fast running head first into a building. Yea.. had to been there. I laughed that hard then too. Awesome story as usual B.C.
Posted by: SlayersAngel at April 16, 2007 11:56 PM
You'll shoot your eye out! Which incidentaly that movie is based on a true story which is narrated by the actual author.
Posted by: Marisa at April 17, 2007 01:11 AM
Kid's with swords club for life. I bought one in China town in San Fran for 20$ and it had the similar made in China quality to it. After tearing up the landscaping there were so many dings in it I had to retire my ninja status (and my mom took it away from me =/) I really love your writing, keep up the good work. What WoW character(s) are you?
Posted by: Andrew at April 17, 2007 06:28 AM
This was the first story here to actually make me laugh out loud. Perhaps, because it forced me to remember the site of the brother dancing around the yard with a ninja sword. That he had ordered.
Unfortunately, however, he never stabbed himself.
Another great story from my favorite writer on the site, very nice Woods.
Posted by: Rikki at April 17, 2007 09:19 AM
Though I've never had any real sword antics, my fiance and two of his high school friends actually trained in a couple sword fighting techniques, (years ago pre peter jackson making fantasy cool). They'd get drunk grab their swords and fight on someones lawn, it surprises me that anyone survived let alone all three.
I still haven't read any robert jorden because they're so addictive, I worked at a book store and we sold more of one of those books when it came out in hard copy then all the other hardcopys combined i swear to freaking god.
Posted by: Alison at April 17, 2007 11:01 AM
Fucking Hilarious! Robert Jordan is solely responsible for postponing any intimacy i'd have with a girl early in highschool. I've also got a similar story except instead of my own sword it was a friends, the box of apples was a tree, and the stabbed leg was a pizza guy. The tree still stands, the sword broke, and my memory is hazy but Im pretty sure the pizza guy crapped himself and had every intention of calling the police. Now I am told to look with my eyes and not my hands.
Posted by: Nym Pymplee at April 17, 2007 01:59 PM
Hahaha, poor kid. Great story!
Posted by: Succinum at April 17, 2007 02:11 PM
Sir Xavier, punctuation, please.
Posted by: Anonymous at April 17, 2007 03:18 PM
Anonymous, Lighten up please.
Posted by: Xavier at April 17, 2007 05:15 PM
Why am I not suprised that you play WoW?
BC: I don't. I only said that as a joke. I haven't because I know I would become completely addicted to it, and never leave the house... as was the case with Diablo II.
Why oh why is it so hard for a Necromancer to be understood? Why?
Posted by: Snoochies at April 17, 2007 07:23 PM
BC plays WoW =O Better be Horde >:D
Haha I love these stories. Ima girl but was a huge nerd when I was younger. Guess I still am, being that I play WoW. My boyfriend and I used to fight with katanas for fun, and I took the tip of his thumb off =X Not to mention the cuts and dings that are left all over his house...
Posted by: Adreena at April 17, 2007 11:27 PM
The funniest part of this story, by far, is how you mention that, after stabbing yourself and throwing the sword, it landed INDIA side up.
Posted by: V at April 18, 2007 03:01 AM
Ahh the glory days of trying to produce visible Ki with Gohan and Videl, fueling flames and thorned flowers.
I too had my eyes on that glorious sword. Acquiring a sword collectors magazine I realized I must have it despite it's $200+ price tag. Sadly I've never attained it and now that you've renewed my interest, I believe I'll buy it.
Thanks asshole.
And I won't even be able to chop up any trees as I live in a dense suburb. That and the fact I'm 20...
Posted by: Aiden at April 18, 2007 03:29 AM
I shot a hole through my parents front door. I blame their lack of supervision as well. Sadly, I was 22 at the time. But, being from Aberdeen myself, a bullet hole through the front door was not all that shocking. I told everyone that some hollyrollers were coming to my door and I was about sick of their shit. The real reason shall remain a secret forever, or at least after I've gotten really drunk and someone brings it up.
Posted by: Anonymous at April 18, 2007 10:16 PM
You should read this book - http://www.amazon.com/Daggerspell-Katharine-Kerr/dp/0553565214
Don't ask how I know what nerds like you would think is awesome, because I am clearly far cooler then you.
But you should still read the series that starts with that book.
Posted by: scootah at April 18, 2007 10:52 PM
Hey BC i remember reading back somewhere that you wanted your own site. It almost sounds like you have it. Not only by sheer volume but by content. You regularly update and the story's are very enticing.
Keep on writing man!!!
Posted by: Gust at April 19, 2007 05:51 PM
hahaha
my first character in diablo 2 was a necromancer... i think i got him to lvl 86 or 84 (one of those). diablo was crack-cocaine in high school. it was the game that made me realize i should stay away from games.
for the same reasons you have mentioned, i refuse to touch WoW.
Posted by: Nikita at April 20, 2007 05:43 PM
I had the same thing happen to me with a machete in my backyard. I was probably 11 or 12, and i still have a scar on my calve. I'm now 19.
Posted by: Richmond at April 23, 2007 07:58 PM
I still have a sword my parents bought me from Medieval Times years ago. My brother still has a scar on his shoulder.
Ultima Online was the game that soaked up between 5 and 10 thousand hours of my life. Now it's WoW. It's a drug.
Thanks for all the stories BC.
Posted by: Anonymous at June 3, 2007 09:11 PM
Excellent post! I too used to read all of the Wheel of Time books...until I realized that freaking Robert Jordan had sold out to the money god and was just dragging the series on and on and on...nothing ever happened anymore.
And if you want to know my WoW name it won't do you any good because I escaped from that prison a long time ago :)
Posted by: GringoDownSouth at July 23, 2007 11:46 AM
India side up. Nice.
Posted by: Anonymous at October 1, 2007 03:52 PM
Robert Jordan passed September 16th, and is now kickin' it with my boy J-sus Christ and me.
Can't wait till you get back to writing again.
R.I.P.
Robert Jordan
Posted by: God at October 4, 2007 04:59 PM
Robert Jordan died during the process of writing the twelfth... and final book. =(
Posted by: Blank at October 26, 2007 01:30 AM
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